Phoenix Awakened

Amazingly enough, I don't always listen to my daughter. 20 years her senior, the one who brought her into this world, I must be the superior intellect in any given situation, right?

Wrong!

"Mommy lets goooo" jade tugged at my computer-glued arm, pleading with her big brown eyes that mirror mine so much. "Lets go for a bike ride... you promised!" I glance outdoors at the gloomy sky. "Its going to rain" I protest. Nevertheless I get up and up and find myself being lead towards the garage, where our bikes take their rest.

"Oh loook Jade... its raining" I point to the fine spattering of moisture decorating the windows of my car. Unheeded she begs 'c'mon mom... its only a litle rain... it'll be fun!'

Grudgingly I put on my sweater, helmet, and bike gloves and shove off onto the darkening pavement. I feel a shiver that I first mistake for cold then later understand to be a thrill of excitement. What a different atmosphere from the baking sunshine I usually bike in! The wind was cool but in a soothing sort of way, the rain was refreshing and pinged against my face as if to tease my lips into parting. The further we went, the more amazed I was that I hadn't done this sooner! Before long Jade and I were whooping and hollering, aiming for puddles, and discussing the various types cold we felt. It was exhilerating but more than that, I was so thankful that I had for once listened to my daughter.

It was such a beautiful wedding! My sister said I could post my toast on here. Hope everyone had a great weekend!!!

Toast to the Bride

Good evening everyone, my name is Trysh and I’m Abbi’s older sister. I was happy that Abbi asked me to give the toast to the bride, since I think her and Danny are amazing together and am happy to welcome him and his family into ours.

Arriving by storm, Abbi has always had a certain flair, and a style all her own. I remember the arrival of this gorgeous little curly-haired blue-eyed girl, we were instant best friends and unspoken companions. Regardless of our 5 year age span, we shared many adventures together. If you wanted to find Abbi or her sisters you would most likely have to search the woods, the playground, or the nearest sledding hill. She was always such a trooper too - whether she was skidding in the grass face first after flying down a hill on rollerblades, rolling her eyes at me while I insisted that we were NOT lost, or trying to regain her vision after slamming head first into an icy wall, she never complained. J

That is the stuff that Abbi is made of: quietly sure, always steady, always ready with a listening ear and a sympathetic shoulder. No matter what curves her life has thrown at her she responds with an enduring acceptance, and a fearless reckoning. A good example would be when she was in grade 5 in Fort McMurray; there was a little girl in her class who was quite the bully. She would torment Abbi by pushing her around and calling her names, so one day Abbi gave her a mean right hook to the gut. Thereafter, Abbi and the girl were the best of friends, and no one ever messed with her again!

One of Abbi’s finest moments was becoming a mother. I remember anxiously watching her in those first few days with Claire, and being blown away by her patience, her love, and her dedication to this precious little girl. My little sister was a mother, and a good one at that. I have never been so proud of her as I have watching her raise her daughter. She is an amazing mother, daughter, sister, friend, and I know that with Danny by her side they will be a dynamic duo.

I love you both very much, you are two very dear friends to me. In the past couple of years I have seen you both grow as individuals and flourish as a couple. Separately you both are very special, remarkable people, but together you are complete.

I would like you to please raise your glasses and join me in a toast:

May you be friends to each other as only lovers can; and may you love each other as only best friends can.

To the bride. *drink*

Today was an interesting exercise in physical and emotional restraint. I had to have an unfortunate interaction with my ex, which involved his verbal assault and his unwanted presence at my house while I was alone. It also involved petty threats, and much laughter on my part.

Today, he freed me. He freed me from ever caring about, missing, or otherwise remembering him. The only interaction I will further have will be to go back one day and delete all the blogs I wrote that involved him. This entry is simply my declaration of freedom, my cry of immense joy, my song of salvation!!!!

In other news, my little sister is getting married in just 11 sleeps! The house is a bustle of excitement, frenzy, and lots and lots of dessert! We have been having so much fun watching the 4th season of Weeds (best show EVER) and putting together wedding decorations, and laughing as we try to come up with a seating plan that will create the very least amount of drama *crosses fingers* All the plans seem to be coming together fairly smoothly, and I think its going to be a great party, as well as an awesome celebration of 2 people I love dearly. My sister has honored me by asking me to write a toast to the bride, and I'll post it on here after the wedding if she'll allow.

I'd like to end with this amazing quote I found:

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin

My absentee-ism has been due to technical difficulties. Technical being the virus that crippled my old laptop, difficulties being the cracked screen that resulted from me leaving it on the floor. A quick trip to Best Buy and a heavily burdened credit card later, my new Gateway laptop sits shinily (is that a word??) on my desk, and I'm once again ready to write. I must say, living without a laptop for a time was a very stressful endevour, which worries me somewhat. One morning I woke up, called about 10 different people, and noone was answering their phones. Without my computer, I seriously contemplated what it was like to be utterly alone in the world. And then I went shopping.

In an attempt to show that homeless guy who was laughing at me while I was crying on my porch that yes, I dO have a brain, I went to chapters and bought a book. And not just ANY book, but a self-help book. I needed some help. For myself.

My first shocker was that this perported 'miracle' book was in the 'drug' section. Smoking isn't a drug!! (i thought indignantly) but Allen Carr showed me the error of my ways. Not only did he kick my psychological notions of smoking from here to bonny wee england, but he also laughed and cried with me, offered me a tissue, went rollerblading with me, patted me on the back, gave me some chicken noodle soup, sprayed cold water over me, and reassured me when i was curled up in the fetal position on the floor.

This is a book originally written in 1983, after an englishman named Allen Carr went from smoking 100 cigarettes a day for 33 years to zero cigarettes, without withdrawal or remorse. After much reflection he came up with a sellable formula to help others quit, and help others quit he did. He has helped millions of smokers, including testimonies from Anthony Hopkins and Ellen De Generes. His method is simple and straight forward, his outlook encouraging. I was sad to learn after finishing the book that he kicked the bucket back in 2006, because I would have loved to write him and tell him how he has changed my life. I am now free from the enslavement of smoking, and I will never EVER have another one again, nor will I want to. This man is a genius and a modern gentleman (cueue The Killers), and if you are ever tired of the Smoking Trap, definately check out this book.

In other news, I faced a crossroads this week. I was offered a well paying receptionist job for a company that offered me no opportunity for growth but DID offer me a secure position for 2-3 years. However, I have already applied to go back to school in the fall to finish my nursing degree (I have 3 of 4 years completed). After much debating, I have decided that I'm going to continue to persue my schooling, because (a) its kind of like a giant unfinished project in my life and (b) I really miss nursing.

Anyways, now I need to go catch up on everyone's blogs, so peace out :)

This week I have kicked my exercise routine up a notch, and have had some really favorable results. I'm achieving a more rapid weight loss, I scored more baskets at basketball, and I stayed longer than ever before on the equipment at the gym. Not only that, but the exercising is having postive effects on my mood, and other people have noticed.

I'm still reeling from my recent break up. Though we remain friends, my phyche and heart-emotion-thingy wish that things could be different. I have been dealing by reading alot of feminist material, reading articles on break-ups, and listening to music. I also keep a daily diary in which I write out letters to him, sometimes pages a letter, which keeps me from opening my big mouth and appearing crazy (which I am anyways, but better to be thought a fool... lol). I'm hoping that the pain will subside in time, but for now I am riding this crazy train called 'life experience' and trying to keep a positive attitude.

I would also like to add, that I have found the most bizarre thing. I went to the local biking store to find some energy bars, and there are these new things called 'energy beans' and they're even made by Jelly Belly! They contain electrolytes and if you pop 2-4 every 15-30 minutes they can sustain you on things like long biking/hiking trips, or marathons.

Anyways, that's all thats new in my life. Have a good weekend everyone!! :)

This week, I have made some tough decisions. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about them yet, or if they were even the right ones, but they were made nonetheless.

Yesterday was a bad day. I contemplated things one should never contemplate and reached out for help thus making myself look pathetic and weak. Not a good day in my books!

Today, I'm learning that I can just feel things. I felt depressed and looked at the clock. 1:30. Hmm. I seem to get really depressed around this time every day. The morning routine is over, I've usually already gone to the gym, everyone is busy so noone is texting me, and I feel very isolated and alone.

But instead of indulging today, I realize that I need a hot shower and a nap, after which I will realize that life is worth living and everything will be okay. I'm really proud of this small victory, because it means that I can become the master of my own fate! I no longer 'need' others to be my life raft. I'll be my own damn life raft.

Yes I've been damaged, hurt, beaten down even. That doesn't mean I can't get up and run like heck. Doesn't mean I'm not worth anything, no matter how many times I've been told that. I KNOW that I can achieve, accomplish, invent, defend, stand tall, in whatever I want to do. I have worth, I have alot to offer. Perhaps I'm meant to always run alone. Who knows? The exciting thing is that I'm alive and breathing, running with purpose instead of in defeat. What an amazing feeling!!

Listening to Coldplay's 'Lost' in the car today, I started crying but wasn't sure why. Its been a rough few days, but I think that's only part of the problem.

For the last few months of my life I have been laid off, but have always looked for the silver lining that is my re-hire which was to happen around the end of April. Last week however, I found out that I won't be getting re-hired. Though I passed it off as another hurdle to be jumped and didn't really give it much thought, I think I've really felt thrown for a loop. Its as if all my ideals are in jeopardy, and I have no direction. But its just a job, right? I shouldn't base my feelings of self-worth around a job. Or my happiness with my life, for that matter. Right? ...

I read the most excellent article yesterday about problem solving. The author discussed at length the various joys that solving problem can bring, with the right attitude. At the time of reading the article I felt empowered and encouraged, so I wonder at my feelings today. I want to learn to be content, to find and bring happiness to myself and those around me. I want to stop wallowing and bring about effective changes in my life. Who knows, maybe I just need a little more time. Patience, after all, has never been my strong point ;)