PhoenixAwakened

One, Two, Punch

2012-01-19T11:54:00.000-08:00

This weeks goal is to honor my commitments. Keep in contact with my friends, do my homework, stick to my diet, and work out every day. Doing laundry is my arch nemesis so i'm going to drag my butt up and down the stairs until every piece of laundry is cleaned. Then for once, my boyfriend can come home and actually walk around our clutter-free room and I don't have to spend his week off trying to find something for the kids to wear.
Also, as a huge fan of Gail Vaz-Oxlade's "Till Debt Do Us Part" I'm going to restrict myself to a 100$/week budget and see if it helps me to curb my spending. Impulsive shopping, eating, and lazing are my biggest downfalls. I try to make up for it with my personality *bats eyelashes* but the days when I'm a bitch-a-holic make me realize that I might want to work on curbing my impulses instead.

Anyone have a parka I can borrow? Its -35 here :S

Hello My Little Friend!

2012-01-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

And welcome to 2012! In this year we will be featuring a total of 0 Sturkenboom births, 1 preschool graduation, 1 college application, several birthdays, lots of schoolwork, hopefully a vacation, and of course continued family drama.

I think I got this year off on the wrong foot - loathing myself. Loathing my addictions, my flaws, my situation, etc. Now 2 weeks in, I realize that my attitude and approach were all wrong. I don't need to make New Years resolutions because I'm already pretty fantastic. I don't need to drastically alter my daily patterns or overhaul my personality - I just need to have a good attitude and enjoy life!

In the past week I have both participated in and strayed from the 17 day diet. I started last Wednesday, and lost 6 lbs before falling off the wagon on Monday. I think I gave up too soon because I got discouraged, but its actually a pretty fantastic and doable plan. Today, I pick up where I left off and continue the journey. Following this eating plan has taught me that 1. Eating plain yogurt isn't actually that bad 2. I can survive on alot fewer calories than I previously imagined (I don't need 3000 cals/day?) 3. I really control my eating better when I don't eat carbs like bread and pasta and 4. I have self-control (who knew!). I would recommend this plan for diet a holics, junk foodies, and food abusers everwhere.

In terms of my relationship, we maintain a balance between love and hate which sometimes tips one way or the other, but at least we continue to push forward in a hopeful state. I have never actually fought for a relationship before so this is all new territory to me, as I imagine it is for him as well. Mainly I just wish he would stop leaving open food containers on the counter and clean up his little beard hairs in the sink... but I digress. :)

I will never win Mother of the Year though at times I might win Loudest Mother of the Year. My little boy just turned 1 and continues to be a little ray of sunshine in my life. He babbles constantly and is learning to walk, and also learning how to assert his will (NO!). My daughter will be 9 in March.. which my sister pointed out means that she will be a teenager in 4 short years. I don't know if I'm equipped to handle this, I guess we will have to see! She is really rocking out this soccer year, I can see that her technique has improved and she plays more of a skilled game as opposed to her typical 'run and flail' routine :) She also wants to learn to play the guitar, but I'm thinking that instead of expensive music lessons I might see if I can help her learn it on her own (.. with my help).

This semester I'm learning linguistics, modern political thought (Hobbes, Rousseau), and contemporary political issues (nuclear proliferation, human rights, terrorism, environment etc). I'm really enjoying my political issues class, and have just read a really compelling article on apartheid in South Africa. I have heard the term 'apartheid' before but I didn't realize the history or extent of it. As late as 1990 the black people of South Africa still had very little rights, and atrocities not just against freedom fighters but against women, children, and educated civilians occured (and still occur? The article was written in 2000 so I'm not aware of the current situation). The other 2 classes are ok, but I can see that this is going to be my favorite class for sure.

I started out the New Year with old and new Matt Good, also loving the new Foo and Coldplay album and REALLY looking forward to the new Silversun Pickups album (its about friggen time!!). Other current favs include Foster the People, Broken Bells, Florence and the Machine, and Airborne Toxic Event's new album.

My workout goals aren't lofty.. I mainly just want to be able to do one whole chin-up by myself. I continue to look for ways to vary up my gym routine because otherwise I get bored very quickly. Lately I've been playing with supersets - doing 2 very intense exercises using the same muscle (in different ways) back to back. So for instance I would do 12 tricep dips and then do 12 lying tricep extensions. I actually kind of like supersets because I get an awesome workout but I don't feel so sore the next day that I can't pick up my son. I've also been breaking up my cardio into different motions, so instead of doing 30 minutes on the elliptical (zzz... i'm so bored with that machine) I do like 15 mintues stair climbing and 15 minutes running. I also just recently tried zumba - what a fantastic class! The one I attend uses a few different types of dance and music (latin, India, pop dance) and I always feel so feminine and beautiful when I dance. Its less like a workout and more like play time with your girlfriends :)

Well that about sums up my new year, I'm not going to make any goals this year, I think I'm just going to focus (as always) on growing as a person and expanding my mind and hopefully my global travel :) I wish everyone the best in their 2012 endeavours.

Great Expectations

2010-12-13T04:28:00.000-08:00

This week I've been pondering the human condition known as 'placing expectations on others.' Its a human trait that has been around since the dawn of time and has spawned such events as The Crusades, world wars, and electing George W. Bush. Whenever you hear a person saying, "why can't that other person do (insert activity or behaviour) a certain way," you are witnessing this human condition in action.
Everyone has experienced life in their own particular way, with their own influences and life lessons. People's experiences are like fingerprints in that no 2 people will ever go through life in exactly the same way. Therefore, we have learned what works and what doesn't work for us in various situations. This creates an intelligence that lets us know that we MUST have the answers when it comes to various problems.
But our life experience is just that - OURS. Its helpful sometimes to share what you've been through with someone in a similar situation in order to help them reach a decision or to cope, but they path they choose to take is entirely their own. Even my best friend, who I've known since Grade 5, doesn't need my input in order to make decisions. Even though we've shared many life experiences, her goals and rationale for decision making are much different than mine are.
I think of this even with my daughter. As parents we definitely tend to project our expectations on our children, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, sometimes a little understanding goes a long way. Even though I am raising my daughter, and I have been her primary influence since birth, I still don't know how she is emotionally and cognitively processing all the things she is learning, and therefore I don't REALLY understand her. In all likelihood she is a completely different personality than me, with priorities and agendas all her own (for instance maybe finishing her art project is much more important than cleaning her room).
Usually when we place our expectations on other people, we are doing so because we ultimately want to help them, and we believe that the best way to do so is to give them our road map. What it ACTUALLY does is drive people away, because when they feel that our solutions are inadequate (for them) they feel more distant from us instead of closer to us.
Its a quick fix really - love other people the way they are. If you have a friend who is constantly late, then you either love them AND their tardiness or you stop hanging around with them. Some people live 10 mintues past the due date because that has always worked for them in the past. If you have a child who consistantly repeats a pattern of behaviour that you don't understand, take the time to look at things from their point of view and try to see where they are coming from. If you have a spouse who has different priorities than you, talk about where you both want to be in the future - maybe you want the same destination but you journey differently. If you have a sibling who lives life in a completely foreign manner to you, Let. Them. Be. Even growing up in the same household doesn't automatically mean continuity of thought. Living life this way - keeping our expectations to ourselves - is a much more peaceful way to interact with others. Recognize your own strengths and weaknesses, and build on that. If you just can't bear to be around someone, then don't. Interfering will never make things better.

Goodbye Friend

2010-11-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

In reflecting on not just past but current friendships, I've come to the realization that while some friendships are destined for eternity, others serve only an interim function. This is the friend who was placed in your life to help you find your way, or so that you could be a shoulder for them, or whatever. These kinds of friendships are great in the moment, but as soon as there is no crisis to support them, they die. Its not really a sad thing, but as I tend to wax nostalgic about things I reflect on these lost friendships with a bit of a wishful air. I wish that I could have savoured these relationships more, knowing that they were temporary. I wish that I could've listened more, offered more, really made the best of the situation. I wish that we could sit around and reminisce one last time. Alas, I am a firm believer in leaving my behind in the past. If a relationship is meant to be lost then I must respectfully leave it as such.
But to you, my lost friends, whom I must delete at last from my contact list and learn to love you only in my cherished memories, I wish you nothing but joy and happiness.

Finally!

2010-09-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

Something worth fighting for. James Cameron, Titanic and Avatar director, has paid a visit to the Oil Sands of Alberta on the request of the aboriginal people of Fort Chipewyan. These people have been suffering for decades from rare diseases which they firmly believe are the direct result of being downstream from the Oil Sands plants. Dispite all the evidence to the contrary (2 headed fish being found in the river, a medical doctor confirming these suspicions) the government of Alberta has repeatedly ignored the cries for help from these people. To such a degree, that James Cameron visited them before our Premier, Ed Stelmach, even has. Though he has been premier for FOUR years (in December) he has never visited the hamlet of Fort Chip.
After visiting with the people of Fort Chip, James Cameron has agreed to help the people resolve the problems which are causing them to be sick. You can read more about that here. I think this is an amazing thing - that Cameron would even bother with this group of people. Alot of people criticize him, saying why doesn't he look after this group or that group. But a man can only fight one battle at a time!
The backlash is considerable; Albertans who enjoy a good living off of the Oil Sands put their backs up and refuse to acknowledge that there is even a problem here. Yet if you were to ask any one defender 'so... do you believe that the Oil Sands actually pose no health risks at all?' they would say 'well of course they pose health risks.' Noone actually believes that the Oil Sands is a clean operation, they just don't want to help clean up the mess.
When I lived in Fort McMurray for a decade, there was a Dr. O'Connor there who was not only a family physician but the only coroner. He fought for 2 things: the twinning of highway 63 due to all the fatalities, and the health of the people of Fort Chip. He was run out of town, discredited by his profession, but ultimately praised for his efforts (a documentary about his work won an Oscar). What does that say about the truth? That people don't WANT to hear the truth, but it will ultimately come out.
Now I don't want to see the Oil Sands shut down. I can't even imaging the local, provincial, and world-wide repercussions of such an event. But it is time that they are held accountable for the lives they are silently drowning out underneath barrels of oil. Its time that they put some of their royalties towards the people of Alberta who are the backbone of their operation. And I'm damn glad that Cameron is here to help :)

The WTF Pregnancy

2010-07-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

I am sooooooooooo sick of hearing of babies. Yes, I am pregnant, but that doens't mean every facebook post, comment out of my mouth, or daydream of mine involves babies. I don't let the world know when I have a doctors appointment, I don't post pictures of the ultrasound (who the FUCK cares about an ultrasound picture except the parents), and I don't mention every time I have a cramp or a hiccup.

These little tween kids having kids on my facebook page are driving me nuts. One of them is my sister, who is miraculously going into labour tonight. Which is an extreme relief to me because she has been 'going into labour' since the end of June. Oh, and she's not due for another 3 weeks.

They finally admitted her into the hospital, but I'm pretty sure its just because they are so sick and tired of her coming in every day. They probably had a staff meeting and said 'for fuckssake.. lets just take her kid out' and then got a half-sober doctor to sign off on the order.

You know what my goals are this year? To do some schooling, work until they tell me to go home, to shove this kid out, then to go back to a normal life. Because I actually HAVE a life. I love to visit my friends, listen to music, read, exercise, engage in political debate, learn about the environment, make fun of americans... I could go on and on. In an age where information is so accessible we almost learn through osmosis my sister and her giggly friends have nothing on their minds but babies. I feel like they're trying to drag the female population back to a shadowed 50's era. I have no qualms with people who are stay at home mothers - indeed they are lucky to be so hands-on with their children - but you don't have to be a moron about it.

Anyhoo.. that is my rant. I hope she has the kid and life goes back to normal because its been a really fucked up 8 months.

Nothing More Satisfying Than a Job Well Done

2010-06-24T07:58:00.001-07:00

I wrote this letter to my boss this morning after he walked by my desk and asked me what's new on Facebook. I felt indignant. I was NOT on Facebook, I was actually reading a really funny yet informative blog post.

This is the email I sent him

To: Frank Parolin
Re: Productivity Report
June 22, 2010

Dear Mr. Parolin,

In regards to your earlier comments where you speculated on my computer endeavors, I would just like to clarify where exactly your hard-earned dollars are going. When I began with this office, I was just another out of work secretary who knew some about computer programs. As I was welcomed into this haven by the wonderful people who are your coworkers, I began to realize that my life here could be so much more. I have been so encouraged and uplifted by the people who work here that I lay awake at night with visions of how I can make exceptional contributions to the team as well.
My first role is obviously to field the various important calls that come to the office. Were it not for my pleasant and soothing voice, people might be irate when they call and thus office moral would be on the decline. I feel that as the first line of defense I am providing an invaluable service to the people of ERCB.
Secondly, I sort the various mail and email traffic we get. Not just for our office, but for the WHOLE BUILDING. I undertake this task not with fear, but with a sense of pride knowing that infrastructure can find their mail in the same spot every day, that junk mail will be thwarted by my watchful eye, and that should someone need an ERP email, they need only click on the ERP folder. Your eyes would glisten with pride if you saw how much bigger and bouncier the elastic ball is since I have arrived! Why just this morning the largest pile of mail you have ever seen was delivered by an ailing Canada Post employee. In a matter of minutes (I have become very proficient at my job) I was able to sort the mail into the various colorful folders, and noone ever worried themselves over how they would pick their mail out of such a large pile. I save people valuable time and money from looking around under bushes and trees for mail. Instead they can devote every waking minute of their work day to more useful and productive tasks.
Finally, when those first 2 duties have been meticulously fulfilled, I search exhaustively for materials which can only make me a better employee. I am endeavoring to become a spiritual guru, so that should people need a counselor or person of faith who has no bias or even a real faith of her own, they can consult with me. Think of all the time this will save! Instead of going home to grieve for loved ones, people can do it right here at work while performing their own duties. Just the other day Amanda was upset about hitting a deer and I reminded her that the deer went to heaven and I think she felt cheered.
From time to time I do consult Facebook, but it is only to search for lost souls who are in need of uplifting. While I will never abandon my followers, rest assured that my primary duties and responsibilities are with the ERCB and I am first, and foremost, at your disposal.

Sincerely,

Patricia Eastman

Lean on Me

2010-05-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

Its been an interesting and challenging week. Bogged down by the troubles of unemployment and facing a rising pile of bills, I was challenged mentally and emotionally to stay afloat. At one point, I made the decision to leave my degree program in search of permenant work, because I had decided that I just couldn't cope with the stress. I was met with skeptical responses, and I had really hurt my relationship when I made the decision independently. "But you love school..." I heard alot. And I do. I love school so much that the decision to not return in the fall left me feeling hollow, and a little depressed.
I felt that I had to make the decision to leave school because I was tired of relying on others. However, my reluctance to accept help from those I love was more a matter of pride than anything else, and it actually hurt my relationships. People in my life who genuinely love me and want me to succeed want to support me and I was turning them away. It took the sharp words of a friend who wasn't afraid to tell me the truth (I was selling out, running away) to wake me up. I thought "what the hell am I doing!" and then I discovered how much damage my decision had caused. I was really alienting people.
Now I understand that I was just scared, discouraged, and trying way too hard to be independent. I am so thankful for those people in my life who care enough to show me their support, and I'm really sorry that I let them down. I learned a valuable lesson, and I'm much happier now that I'm back to fiddling with my class schedule (I can't wait to take International Relations in Political Science!!!).

Beautiful Women

2010-04-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

This past month, I've been on this sort of self-imposed journey of surrounding myself with strong female role models, literature, and now music! My goal is just mainly to grow more, and to become a strong female role model for other young girls (starting with my daughter :)I think that in today's culture, there are so many role models for young girls that promote all the wrong things. Think: Hollywood. While its great if a little girl is born loving the stage, wanting to be in pageants, etc, but there are SO many girls out there who aren't wired in that direction. For instance, my daughter is a bit of a tomboy, and would much rather be up to her armpits in mud than in a crinolin dress with make-up on.
She's highly intelligent, has amazing aspirations, and doesn't need the type of role model that People magazine might offer. It is for her, and girls like her, that I dedicate my life to being the best type of role model that I can be.
Some women that I really admire in my life are my mother, my aunt wendy, my aunt kathy, my sister-in-law marcia, my friends heidi, jami, and azure, my cousin anna, my old boss shirley, and many other instructors friends and aquaintances I've met along the way. Each of these women have taught me that when life gets hard, you push back even harder. You rise above your circumstances, you spit in the face of despair, you give 100% (and then some), and you love with all you h ave in you. They've also taught me the utter importance of having strong females in your life. We really do need each other! Its amazing... when you surround yourself with strong, courageous people, it kinda rubs off. Sometimes I find myself having a bad day, throwing myself a bit of a pity-party, and then I realize that I just have to pick up my feet and go on. I feed off of their strength and endeavour (as I gain strength) to contribute to their well-being also.
Some really fabulous books I've read recently include Cunt by Inga Muscio, and Secrets of Powerful Women. Cunt is a fabulous journey into female power and sexuality, and really struck a chord with me because it allowed me to feel proud of things that society tells us are taboo. Some of the ideas are a little beyond my comfort zone, but ultimately I really enjoyed this book.
Secrets of Powerful Women is a collection of speeches given by a variety of women who have achieved so much in their life. This book... I can't even portray the profound effect it has had on my life. Being that I'm in University right now, I wasn't sure what direction I wanted my life to go in. In this book women talked about how they balanced their home life and careers, and all the amazing things they accomplished. I was completely floored... I didn't know that these options were available to me! Reading this book combined with taking a Political Science course has awakened in me a passion for politics that I didn't know existed. I now know that I want to turn my passions and energy towards getting a Political Science degree and getting involved with my country. These women are absolutely inspirational and definately worth the read!
Finally, I've discovered a whole playlist of fascinating female musicians who've been the soundtrack to my discovery. Amoung my favorites are Canadian artist Serena Ryder, Tracy Chapman, Laura Marling, Ani DiFranco, Dar Williams, Regina Spektor, and the whole The Runaways soundtrack. Incredible women doing profound things, awakening people to issues and taboo subjects through their sweet voices and musical abilities.
This I offer as a challenge: if you are a woman in need of inspiration, seek it out! Not only will you experience a journey that will change your life and empower you, but you will be an inspiration to others. There will be challenges: I come across people even in this day and age who don't agree with some of my lifestyle choices (such as living with my boyfriend). I just smile, because I am so fully confident that I'm on the right path. I don't need the approval of others. Ultimately, I know that my pack of women have my back and will always give me a soft place to fall. So call up your girlfriends, see a great movie (Elizabeth!), listen to some music, and pick up an inspirational book. All those little things add up to lifetime of positivity. :)

The Cellist of Sarajevo

2010-04-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

Its hard to imagine, when reading Steven Galloway's The Cellist of Sarajevo that I am sitting in my warm, comfortable, danger-free house. A novel that beautifully describes the war-torn city of Sarajevo through the eyes of four inhabitants left me with a bevy of emotions. I felt outraged that people could be treated this way in our modern times. I felt sick that human life had so little value. I was touched by how these oppressed people still found beauty in the world. And I was startled by the stark contrast between their world and mine.
All through this book my eyes were opened to the suffering of the people during war. A trip to get water begins with good-byes to your family because you're not sure if you'll return. You don't think about your future because its almost certain you won't have one. Each day becomes a struggle from beginning to end to just live! And yet, Steven Galloway does not paint all misery and despair. He offers a beautiful symbol of how human nature has an amazing capacity for good.
Check out this book, you won't regret it!

Just Being Me

2010-03-31T17:52:00.000-07:00

Self-discovery is a life-long process. It begins the moment you're born and ends with that last shaky breath. I'm sure even in death, people discover a whole side to themselves they weren't aware of!
I've always thought of myself as a chameleon. Since I was a child, I've had the ability to solve people's problems (including settling many disputes in my family), make friends, and blend into any environment. I've also always believed that this is a negative thing, and it means that I have no original identity. To a point, this is true. In the past I've adopted the beliefs and preferences of those around me in order to gain likability. However, my 'chameleon' traits are much much more than a need to blend in. They are traits that show that I would be a good leader, that I could influence others, and that I could work well in a people-oriented environment. I have never understood this until recently!
People will always have opinions, they will always tell you you should be this, or do that. They will always criticize, they will sometimes encourage, and they will always be different from you. This is all ok. We are each following our own path. If we choose to be inspired and grow, then we should do so to the best of our ability. If we choose to live quietly and anonymously, then we should go that route. There are so many different traditions, cultures, thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, wishes... you get the picture. There are endless ways that people can 'be.'
I am:

- Extremely active. If I am not moving about on a regular basis, I get cranky.
- A person who needs to be reassured from time to time. I am confident for the most part, but I love reassurance.
- Intelligent.
- Lazy when I don't feel inspired.
- Caught up in the moment, always.
- Prone to getting down on myself, but this is something I'm working on.
- A great friend.
- Loyal.

The list is exhaustive. Do all these traits describe you? Of course not. There may be some areas that you identify with, and that would make us good friends. There could be MANY areas you could identify with, and that would make us GREAT friends :) The point being, everyone is different, and its those differences, those things that set us apart from others, that we need to embrace.
When you start living your life in a more positive way, you will face opposition. I've discovered that people (especially those who are unhappy in their own lives) are threatened by positivism. They feel defensive because someone's success challenges the questions they have about their own lives, and that is uncomfortable. They might even voice support and then be subtly sabotaging. Though this is a very difficult thing to face, its just more proof that you're on the right path.
One difficulty I've been facing is finding my voice. I'm a naturally passionate person but I've always acted meek and mild. Lately, I've realized that I have something to offer! I've turned my life around, fought a few battles, read a few books, and I can actually make intelligent statements!
It is SO VITAL to find your voice in the journey of self-discovery. When you find your voice, you will suddenly discover that you are helping people, that you are resolving situations before they become minefields, and that you are opening yourself to possibilities you would never have had otherwise.

Some ways that I've discovered myself include:

- Formal education (university, studying something I love)
- Reading books, esp feminist literature
- Picking the brains of intelligent people. Just opening up my mind and absorbing all I can from them
- Pushing myself mentally and physically

I'm excited for all I have yet to learn, because this is merely the beginning. The great thing is, I've discovered some tools that can help me in the process. I've armed myself with knowledge, girded myself with power, and surrounded myself with an army. What's in YOUR wallet? :)

Learning Lessons, Inside and Outside the Classroom

2010-02-25T06:15:00.000-08:00

Last week was a bit of a test for me when I had to face my midterm marks. Though I had studied what I thought was quite a bit, though I had done the readings and attended every class, I didn't do as well as I had wanted to. I got back 4 marks and was only happy with 1. Sitting in the cafeteria on my lunch hour, I threw myself a little pity party for about 10 mintues, and then I got out a clean sheet of paper and began journalling. On those white lines I poured out my frustration, and then I crumpled it up and vowed to start over.
As a person who has screwed up royally quite a few times in my life, I've learned how to handle success and failure. Success should be enjoyed and celebrated, but its not everything. Success doesn't define a person. What defines a person is what they do in those shaky, breathless minutes after a failure - do they remain down, or do they pick themselves up and perservere?
There are many things in life that can't be learned without some failure. One example I like to use is learning to ski. When learning to ski, the number one fear is the fear of falling. The paradox is, when a fall actually occurs the skier discovers that falling really isn't that bad, and they ski much better after that fall!
I'm not proud of the things I've done wrong in the past, but I am grateful to those painful lessons. They've taught me how to win and how to lose, and now failure just drives me to work harder. I discovered, after going over my tests, that I had a common flaw in each of them; I went too quickly through my exams. I messed up most on the short answer section, where I misread several questions. Always the first one done, I need to learn to slow down on test days and read the instructions more thoroughly. However, the proof is in the pudding... I have another midterm tomorrow! :)

A Team Effort

2010-02-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

There was something that I had observed at the gym a few weeks ago, but I had forgotten to record it. I was riding the stationary bike at Millennium Place which overlooks the 2 soccer fields that Millennium Place offers. On the field closest to me was a girls soccer team, with players who were probably between 10 and 12 years old. I had noticed that the players were all kneeling on the field at one point, but I didn't understand at the time. On further inspection, however, I realized that everytime a player got hurt, the girls would immediately kneel down on one knee wherever they stood so that the injured girl would be brought to the attention of the coaches. Not only that, but the girl nearest the injured girl - regardless of what team she was on - would kneel down beside the injured girl and talk softly to her. The coach would then rush over, the injured girl would be helped up and assisted in walking back to the bench, and every player on both teams would cheer and clap.
Lately I've been learning about different types of societies, and one of the facets we've been learning about is how different societies handle conflicts. I have learned that in our society we tend to be highly competitive and really promote independence in our children, whereas in many third world cultures societies are all about family and village ties, sharing, and communal responsability. Although I realize that this once-a-week soccer game is only a small part of these girls' lives, but I would like to think that teaching them to take care of one another would have some impact in their lives, their communities, and maybe even globally.

In other gym news, this week I felt like my energy levels were really low. I had to force myself to go to the gym on two occasions, but I always left feeling better. During one particular session, I even just sat on the stationary bike and peddled at 60 rpm (which is pretty slow) for 30 mins, while reading a magazine. I wasn't exerting very much effort in that 30 mins, but I did get a little bit of a workout, and I did feel better for going. Like my wise boyfriend told me, "you never regret a workout." So even if you're feeling like crap, just do a little, and it will go a long way :)

So Long, January

2010-01-29T14:15:00.000-08:00

The first month of 2010 is drawing to a close, and I couldn't be happier. Its been a really exciting start to the new year (what with school and all), but I'm also looking forward to the things to come. Sweating it out on the elliptical machine earlier this week, I came to a moment of utter clarity where I decided that I am going to lose 25 lbs in the next 2 months. Why and how it happened I'm not quite sure, although this is usually the way I get things done.
I am not a fan of dieting, I have never been on a diet but instead have focused on changing my lifestyle. A firm believer in developing healthy habits, I have made it a purpose in my life to constantly modify, improve, and change my lifestyle to accomodate new needs and goals. A 'diet' only encourages failure, IMHO, because it can't be sustained forever. Instead, I make small changes one at a time, which I add to my everyday life. For instance, recently I have decided that I need to increase my fruit intake, with no thought to calorie counting (also something I'm not a fan of). Thus, I keep my kitchen well stocked with fruit, and if I'm hungry I first decide if I've had enough fruit that day. If I haven't, then a piece of fruit is my snack. This is a small change that I can easily maintain for the rest of my life.
For my weight loss goal, I'm not motivated so much by how I look, but by how much I would like to see my health increase. I can safely lose another 25 lbs without hurting my body (I am, technically, overweight though I would argue that label :), but the weight loss would mean an increase in strength and flexability, less pressure on my joints when I exercise, and a more effective cardiovascular system. With these goals in mind, I have been spending the last three days saying 'no' to desserts, skipping that late-night snack, and being mindful of my portions.
I should mention - with this cutting back of calories I am also cutting back at the gym. Which means that I am only there for 1 1/2 hrs as opposed to 2... :) I know my body am confident that this is the approach that is best.
On an intellectual level, I was really nervous about writing my first exam at college today, but I found it really easy! I even answered an extra question by accident :) I think this means that in the future I need to stress less (NOT study less) and just have more confidence in my abilities.
Have a great weekend! :)

I'm Getting Edumacated :)

2010-01-20T14:48:00.000-08:00

So I'm taking a Bachelor of Arts program at Grant MacEwan, but with no particular focus in mind thus far. I'm leaning towards a major in Sociology, but for now I'm just taking a wide variety of classes. I'm taking:
Psych 104
Anthropology 101
Political Science 101
English 297
and
Criminal Sociology 225

I am absolutely loving each and every one of my classes. I'm so impressed with the quality of education here (as opposed to Fort McMurray), mostly because the teachers seem to really love what they do, and are really well educated (both in the book and in the world sense) individuals. My favorite is my wise-cracking anthro teacher, Lisa. She is ballsy, outspoken, makes it her mission to mention 'beer' at least once in ever class, and she gives us lectures that open our eyes to the world around us. She is the best teacher I think I've ever had!

As I was sitting in the cafeteria at lunch today, I was reflecting on what I wanted to write about my education. For those who don't know me, I badly floundered through - and ultimately quit - the nursing program about 3 years ago. When I made the decision to return to school, it was because I knew that I really loved being educated and I wasn't going to be content being a secretary for the rest of my life. Not only that, but I have really cleaned up my life in terms of my health. All these factors combined, I feel as though I'm really gleaning all I can from school this time around. I am so grateful for this second chance opportunity, which makes me so much more receptive to the information I'm hearing. Everything is so fresh and clear!

I'm excited to see where this is going to take me. I've been chatting a little here and there with professors, and I'm planning on speaking with an education counsellor later in the semester to discuss my options. I'm considering everything from a double major in Anthro and Sociology to getting my political science degree so I can apply to law school! The sky is the limit at this point, I guess.

The cherry on the cake was when my daughter said to me the other day, "when I grow up I can be whatever I want, right mom? I know because you are being what you want."

<3

This Just In...

2010-01-20T14:41:00.001-08:00

Mission: To love myself
Goal: To measure my self worth against my (and ONLY my) standards

The last couple of days, I have been fretting about my appearance. Wishing to be a more socially accepted blond, wishing for the number on the scale to go down, wishing I didn't feel hunger. Am I unhappy with myself? Actually, the answer is no. I've worked hard to be where I am (physically) today, and I've always loved my coloring because it strongly ties me to both my father and my heritage. So why the angst?
I have been observing behavior, watching media, and noting how people tend to respond more favorably to females who are (a) blond and (b) thin. I have been then, instead of focusing on my own self worth, been focusing (and wishing for) the identity of someone I'll never be. Not only that, but this has been bothering me to the point that I've considered engaging in some extreme behaviors, and it had the potential to disrupt some of my personal relationships (though I put myself in check before that happened, thank God). Now I'm just really pissed off that I've been wasting time and energy feeling this way, and I have a plan. I'm going to re evaluate all the things I love about myself, read some hardcore feminist literature, throw away all my daughter's barbies (because they represent an impossible ideal), and go for a good workout! :)

Going Green...

2010-01-09T14:58:00.000-08:00

I'd like to start off by thank my friend James for the new banner for my web site! He took a picture that I had really liked off of the internet and formatted it so that it would look good on my page - which it does! Thanks buddy :)

This week, my focus is largely on experimenting with being more green. I am trying a few things, like being more careful with recycling (Sherwood Park has a pretty rigorous recycling program as is...), washing all my ziplock bags instead of throwing them away, making coffee at home instead of buying it, making my own lunches with reusable containers, and walking and taking the bus as much as possible. This first week I have found only minor inconveniences - such as it is bulky to take a lunch in my backpack - but overall I'm really pleased with the results. I am now only using my car 3-4 days a week, which also saves on gas and maitenence! This is pretty important since I'm a student and I need my old car to last me another couple of years :)

I am positively LOVING my classes so far. This first week I have just been wide-eyed and absorbing everything - the quality of the education is far superior to the one I had in Fort McMurray. My teachers (with one exception) are fantastic, strong, interesting individuals who love to teach, and make learning a pure delight. I am especially enjoying my intro Anthropology course, as well as my Criminal Sociology course.

I decided that I should make a small goal every so often throughout the year, and I have decided that I would like to incorporate yoga into my routine twice a week, as well as lose another 20 lbs by the end of february. I do this because it is still really painful for me to run, but I really love it, and don't want to give it up. I'm thinking that maybe if I am a little lighter, and have better flexability, it won't be so difficult. So we'll see how it all goes!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Challenge Yourself!

2009-12-31T18:52:00.000-08:00

Its been a FANTASTIC Christmas break. I've grown and changed, pushed myself to my limits, made interesting personal discoveries, and made some resolutions.

I'm Getting Big!

I really had to wrestle with some negative emotions these past few weeks. My biggest enemy - low self esteem - was rearing its ugly head and threatening to cause a rift in my life. Instead of giving in, I just allowed myself to feel it, talked about it a little with a friend, then I bid farewell and moved on. Being that I am a highly emotional person, I really need to harness those emotions and learn how to use them in a positive way in my life.

IT HURTS!! (my physical limits)

I've been doing alot of skiing, both xc and - in the past 2 days - downhill in the beautiful mountains of Jasper, Alberta. With the xc skiing, I was presented with a difficult course on which I couldn't do skate skiing and was forced to practice my classic style. This, however, I view as a positive experience because it not only strenthened muscles that I've been reluctant to work on.. *koff* but I was able to practice patience!! :)
The downhill skiing was amazing, but it really tested my limits in terms of withstanding extreme weather conditions. It was -20 celcius at the best of times, and when you're whizzing down the side of a mountain at high speeds it gets pretty chilly! But I kept a positive attitude no matter how cold it got, and was able to enjoy a total of about 20 runs (over 2 days).

Who Me? My Discoveries

My running has been a point of contention for me since I began 4 months ago in September. I had purchased a pair of cross trainers, and was running on the tread mill 2-3 times a week in a manner that had been reccommended to me. However, I was experiencing pain in my right foot, so severe that sometimes it would take days to wear off and would leave me limping. Finally, I consulted with a chiropractor who recommended a higher caliber running shoe that would give me better support. So my knowledgable bf and I went packing over to the Running Room, where they examined my posture and feet, and I was told I had 'unique' foot patterns. I was designated a shoe, and after paying MUCH less for it than I thought I would have to (hallelujah!) I eagerly went to the gym that evening. Also, my bf had suggested I try track running, since its my goal to run a 10km this summer, and running on the treadmill wouldn't really adequately prepare me for that. So I took my shoes and ran on the track, and to my exhilerated surprise, I was able to run much farther and much faster than I did on the treadmill. The shoes were fantastic, but I think also the treadmill provides a handicap in that I get hung up on the speed and I think 'oh.. i'm running 6m/hr thats really fast' or whatever. On the track however, my only monitors are how my body feels. Amazing!! :D

I Hereby Resolve...

For the year 2010, I have made some minor resolutions. I want it to be a dry year, a goal my bf and I have made together. I do this for several reasons. One, I live in a northern climate and am highly susceptable to depression, a condition that alcohol only perpetuates. Two, drinking goes hand-in-hand with my bad decision making, and I'm kind of trying to make better decisions in my life :)
Three, I have all kinds of fitness, spiritual, and educational goals this year, and I need to be fully present in my life, to have a clear head. Drinking just doesn't fit anymore, I have no more room!
Another resolution I have is to try a bunch of different healthy recipes. My daughter and I aren't really big meat eaters, so maybe some interesting vegetarian recipes. I was originally going to try and scrap coffee, but I mean, c'mon... I'm going to be in college... lol :)

Anyhoo, I'm really happy with the way things are going right now, I'm going to continue my training and xc skiing and would like to throw some swimming into the mix, if I have some time. I hope that everyone has a happy New Years, I know I'm going to spend my cuddling with my daughter :)

The Easy Way Isn't Always the Best Way...

2009-12-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

Today was an interesting proposition, right from the get go. Both girls (my daughter and I live with my sister, her husband, and their 2 year old daughter) woke up last night with screaming nightmares, so I didn't get much sleep. Then, even though it was the first day of christmas vacation and Jade had no school, I had to get up early and get her ready to go to her dad's house for christmas vacation. When we left the house the roads were COVERED in snow, there was a heavy storm warning, and everything was extra slow and slippery (although pretty.. :)
Once I dropped her off, I spent the day running errands and meeting a friend for lunch before I was due to meet my boyfriend for an afternoon cross country (xc) ski at 3:15. On my way there I got stuck in traffic, and I was sitting sulkily in my car debating whether I should actually go or not. I decided to go since I had already committed to it, and when I got there and started getting ready I realized that I had left my mittens at home! Maaaan! It was only like -10 (c) but my hands were really cold in the beginning anyways. So I'm following my boyfriend through the rolling trails in the Edmonton valley, and suddenly he turns onto a path marked 'difficult.' For a moment I stood there in the snow with red hands and thought "I should just tell him that I want to take the easy trail and he can go on the difficult one."
Now I am not a wimpy person. I'm highly competetive, and my boyfriend is 4 years older than me and had been working all day whereas I had not. I knew I had no excuse not to take the difficult trail other than sheer laziness. :P
With those thoughts in mind, I turned and followed him up the trail. I'm not sure how much people know about xc skiing, but I don't really know alot about it and this was only my third ski this year (and this year is the first year i've xc skiied in a decade), so I was just following my boyfriend in the preset side-by-side trails that the area grooms for skiiers. This type of skiing is called 'classic' style and is the only style I've been trying. However this time I was really uninterested in doing that so I tried a style called 'skate-skiing' which is like skating... with skis on (lol). I liked it FIFTY times better, and ended up having a really great ski, and was in a fantastic mood when I finished.
I guess my whole point is, that in the end I pushed myself just a little beyond my confort zone, and not only was I rewarded but I think I've just discovered something that I could be passionate about. I was enjoying xc skiing well enough up until this point, but now I feel a rush and I can't wait to go again! I'm really glad I didn't take the easy way... this time :)

Back Again, but Never Really Gone

2009-12-16T14:04:00.000-08:00

So this is my second attempt at writing a blog. My first blog I carried for a little over 2 years, but recently I had discovered that many things had changed in my life. I was no longer in the dark, twisted role I had been playing for so long. You see, I came out of a nasty divorce, moved to the big city with my daughter (who is 6 now), quit drinking and smoking, and basically just started over. In a way I feel like I will always be 'starting over' as I learn and grow, but my path now veers to the right where before it had always veered to the left. I am making better decisions for myself now. For most people, it is easy to do the thing that makes them happiest, but it seems that my life mission until recently has been to sabatoge myself. I engaged in many self destructive behaviors which ultimately almost destroyed me. I stayed in a career that was not suited for me, I stayed with a husband who stripped as much of my self-worth away as he could, and I lived in a place where bad habits are the norm. Now I am making choices like going back to school for something I love to do, I have chosen a partner that is gentle and kind and very complicmentry to me, and I'm managing my stress and lifestyle choices in a much healthier way.
Now thats not to say that I'm 'there'... I know now that my lifes mission is to grow and to change and to explore the world around me. Its just that now I feel like I actually have the chance to HAVE a good life!
Someone posed the question to me recently: what is your life's purpose? When I looked back on my life, I realized that my life's purpose thus far has been to merely survive the day to day, and now my life's purpose is to FULFILL the day to day. With these realizations in mind, I am creating this blog to record the things that I am learning. I want to see this upward path that I'm on, and maybe even have the potential to help someone else along the way. My other blog - of the same title - was more a record of my dark twisty times. And when I look back, I want to remember the postive things in my life, not the negative.

I want to dedicate this, my first post, to my daughter Jade. She is a beautiful little soul who inspires me, encourages me, suprises me, and keeps me on my toes. I love everything about her, and I hope that I do her right as a mother.